


Share Your Silence

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [27]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Canon-Typical Violence, Father-Son Relationship, Found Family, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Mother-Son Relationship, if Ezra didn't have depression before he sure as hell does now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 01:51:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14509860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: The Ghost crew is reunited, but Ezra and Kanan are still dealing with the emotional fallout from Maul's death.





	1. Chapter 1

_“Kanan.”_

Kanan had had no idea how relieved he would be to hear Hera’s voice.  He’d been so focused on Ezra that he hadn’t realized how much he missed her, even though they’d only been separated for less than a month.

“You don’t know how good it is to hear your voice,” Kanan said.

_“I don’t have much time,”_ Hera said.  _“Something’s happened.  Chopper Base -- it was compromised and…we lost it.”_

Kanan was silent for a moment as he took in what she’d said.

“I’m sorry,” he finally said.  “We should have been there.”

_“There was nothing either of you could have done.”_

“Are you alright?” Kanan asked.

_“Our crew is,”_ Hera said, regret in her voice.  _“And we’re on our way to you just as soon as we know where you are.”_

Kanan hesitated for a moment, wondering if it could be a trap.  He couldn’t see Hera’s face, after all.  He couldn’t see any signs of distress that didn’t make it into her voice.  For all he knew, there could be a blaster pointed at her head, or someone else's.

“Same place,” he said, hoping she would understand his meaning.

_“Wasn’t that supposed to be temporary?”_ Hera asked, concern lacing her voice.

“It was,” Kanan said.  “But Maul won't be a problem anymore.  He’s dead.  Ezra killed him.”

It was Hera’s turn to fall silent, and that silence dragged out as if she couldn’t believe what she’d heard.

_“That’s…”_ her voice trailed off as if she wasn’t sure what to say.

“You can say it’s great,” Kanan said with a small smile.  He could say that here, when it was just the two of them.  What Ezra had done might be tearing him apart, but that didn't change the fact that deep down -- well, not  _that_ deep -- Kanan was glad he'd done it, even as he wished Ezra hadn't needed to.

_“Is Ezra okay?”_ Hera asked.

“Physically,” Kanan said.  “Maul didn’t hurt him much, but he hasn’t really been himself since.”

_“We’ll be there as soon as we can,”_ Hera said.  _“Three days at least.  It might take us some time to get past the blockade.  We’ll be at Shadow Site Five.”_

“We’ll be there,” Kanan said.  “Ezra will be so glad to see you.”

When Kanan ended the transmission, he turned to leave the _Phantom_ and find Ezra.  For just a second as Hera had given him the location, Kanan had felt a deep, painful longing for the old days, when it was just the six of them here on Lothal.  Even with Ezra’s constant fear and his trouble adjusting, things had seemed so much simpler then.

As he stepped off of the _Phantom_ , he felt for Ezra’s presence.  He knew the kid would be nearby.  Ezra hadn’t been wandering off these days, and Kanan didn’t know if it was because he lacked the will to do something as simple as go for a walk, or if he felt guilty for disappearing.  He located Ezra hidden somewhere on the _Gauntlet_.  For a moment, he considered just leaving him alone and telling him the news once he finally emerged, but if there was even the slightest chance that hearing that the others were on their way would make Ezra feel any better, Kanan wanted to take it.

As he walked the short distance to the other ship, Kanan couldn’t help but wonder why Ezra spent so much time hiding on it.  If it was somehow a source of comfort, Kanan didn’t understand it in the slightest, but he wasn’t about to say that to Ezra.  But he had a strong suspicion it was less about that and more about the fact that Ezra knew Kanan was less likely to go looking for him there.

Kanan walked up the ship’s lowered ramp and nearly tripped over Ezra, who was sitting against the wall right beside the open hatch.

“Sorry,” Ezra said.  Kanan heard a shuffling sound that indicated Ezra was moving to the side, out of his way.

“How are you feeling?” Kanan asked as he sat down on the floor, facing Ezra.

“I’m okay,” Ezra said, though his heart clearly wasn’t in the words.

“Well, I know something that might make you better than okay,” Kanan said with a smile.  “Hera’s on her way here.”

Kanan felt a brief flash of excitement and happiness from Ezra, but it quickly faded from a bright spark into a dull, barely-present glow.  Kanan decided he’d wait to tell the kid the news about the base.  Hera was right.  They probably wouldn’t have been able to do anything more than the other rebels had done, and Ezra was tormenting himself over enough things right now.  He certainly wouldn't try to keep it hidden from Ezra forever, but it could wait.

“Can I ask you something?” Kanan said.

Ezra’s response was an _mhm_ so quiet Kanan barely heard it.

“Why do you keep hiding out here?” he asked.

“It’s quiet,” Ezra said after a moment of thoughtful silence.

“We’re in the middle of nowhere,” Kanan said.  “Everything’s quiet.”

“Different kind of quiet,” Ezra said.  “I don’t know how to explain it.”

“If being here makes you feel better, that’s okay,” Kanan said.  “You know that, right?”

His comment was met with silence.

“We don’t have to talk about it,” he said.

“I just don’t know how to explain it,” Ezra said again.

“You don’t have to,” Kanan said.  He slid a few inches along the floor so he was beside Ezra and put an arm around the kid’s shoulders.  Ezra leaned his head against Kanan’s shoulder and gave a soft, tired sigh.

“I’m glad they’re coming back,” Ezra said.

“So am I.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to character death; minor injury

Ezra was having another day of numbness.  He still wasn’t trying to shield his mind from Kanan, and the emptiness flowed across their bond, pulling at Kanan like the vacuum created by an open airlock.  Not even the prospect of seeing the rest of the crew again was enough to make him feel any better.

It had been six days since Hera’s transmission, and for the past three, Kanan and Ezra had spent hours waiting hidden on a rooftop with a good view of what used to be Old Jho’s.  The news of his death had barely seemed to affect Ezra when they’d heard, but later that day Kanan had heard Ezra screaming in anger, the sound muffled by something he held over his face.

“Hey,” Kanan said, nudging Ezra gently.  “You okay?”

“I guess,” Ezra said.  It was one of the few answers Kanan had been able to get out of him these past few days.  It was either “I guess” or “I don’t know.”  Sometimes he got no answer at all.

“We’ll see them soon,” Kanan said, as if the absence of the rest of their family was the source of Ezra’s distress.

Ezra just gave a small, neutral hum of acknowledgement.

They sat there in silence, with Kanan not knowing what he could say.  Ezra didn’t seem to mind, but Kanan didn’t know if Ezra’s continued silence was an indication that things were getting worse for him.  Ezra hadn’t been this quiet for this long since he’d first joined the crew, but back then, he’d been quiet out of fear, thinking Kanan was going to hurt him.  Now it was like the will to speak and act had been drained from him.

Kanan wished there was something else he could do, but beyond just being there when Ezra needed him, he didn’t think there _was_ anything.  He knew from firsthand experience that some things got better with time, and some things never got better no matter how much time passed.  Only time would tell which this was.

* * *

 

Ezra stared down at the street below them, watching and waiting like he’d been doing for three days now.  He _was_ excited to see the others again, but it was like a glass wall had been put up between himself and the feeling.  That wall was there between him and nearly every feeling he had now.  Every feeling except his fear.  Fear was the only thing he could feel the way he was supposed to feel it.  It was present and real and _there_ in a way no other feeling was.  It was there when he woke up screaming in the middle of the night.  It was there when Kanan tried to reach out to him and Ezra was certain that Kanan was hiding anger and frustration.  It was there when he caught himself wondering why he was hurting so much over _this_.  He _had_ to kill Maul, so what was wrong with him to make him feel like this over it?

Ezra lightly pinched the skin on the inside of his left wrist, trying to draw himself out of his thoughts and fears.  He needed to focus.  He couldn’t let himself slip into another half-trance right now while he needed to be on alert.

As he turned his attention back toward the ground, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye.  Seconds later, he saw a familiar figure coming around the corner.  Hera.  She was wearing civilian clothes rather than her usual flight suit and he was seeing her at a distance, but it was unmistakably her.  Chopper was close behind her, followed by Zeb.  To Ezra’s surprise, Sabine was bringing up the rear, her hands twitching in the way that told Ezra she desperately wanted to reach for a hidden blaster.

“It’s them,” Ezra said.

Kanan nodded.  As he did so, Ezra saw another flurry of movement.  Four stormtroopers coming down the street from the opposite direction.  Hera held out a hand to stop the others.

“Trouble,” Ezra said.  “Street below us is clear.  Just jump.”

In unison, Kanan and Ezra stood and leapt from the rooftop, landing between their crewmates and the stormtroopers.  The stormtroopers opened fire and Ezra ignited his lightsaber.  A _snap-hiss_ and a blue glow in the corner of Ezra’s vision told him Kanan had done the same.

“Go!” Kanan shouted as he and Ezra deflected blaster bolts back toward the stormtroopers.  “We’ll cover you!”

“You heard him!” Hera said.

Ezra risked a glance behind him to see more troopers converging on them.  Hera, Zeb, and Sabine all had their blasters out, doing away with the pretense of being civilians.

“Four others!” he called to Kanan as he deflected a bolt, striking the soldier who’d fired it in the chest.

“You got this?” Kanan asked.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll lead the others to the _Phantom_ ,” Kanan said.  “You cover us?”

Even as he said it, Ezra could sense a thread of doubt in Kanan’s mind, as if Kanan wasn’t sure Ezra could handle it.

“I’ll be okay,” Ezra said.  “Go!”

Kanan didn’t hesitate and turned away, leaving Ezra to deal with the three stormtroopers still left standing.  As Ezra began to back away, following the rest of the crew as Kanan led them away, two more stormtroopers appeared from around a corner.  Ezra gritted his teeth as he deflected another bold into a stormtrooper’s chest.  There were four left, and he couldn’t let them follow.

He tightened his grip on his weapon and launched himself at the stormtroopers.  He slashed the nearest one across the abdomen, the red blade cutting through the weak armor and even weaker flesh.  Ezra gasped sharply as a burning pain flashed across his side.  He turned around and blindly deflected another blaster bolt fired by the trooper who’d shot him.  A bolt fired from another direction struck the soldier in the leg, bringing them down.  Ezra risked another glance back to see Hera with her blaster drawn.

When Ezra turned his attention back to the two remaining stormtroopers, they were rushing toward him.  He ducked to avoid a punch aimed at his head, bringing his blade up and slashing it across the trooper’s side.  He threw out one hand and shoved both stormtroopers back before he turned and ran after the other members of his crew, ignoring the dull pain in his side.

He stayed behind the rest of the group, watching for any more stormtroopers who might have been called in as backup.  He almost _wanted_ more of them to appear.  The rush as he’d attacked was the first thing other than his fear that he’d been able to really feel since he’d come back from Tatooine.

He didn’t have time to dwell on that thought.  It wasn’t long before they reached the north end of town, where they’d hidden the _Phantom_.  Ezra could feel that rush from the fight fading as soon as he set foot on the ship.  He gritted his teeth against the pain radiating through his side, but he made no move to check the wound.  The last thing he wanted was for anyone to notice he was hurt.  He could handle this by himself.


	3. Chapter 3

Something was different about Ezra, something so unexpected that it took Kanan a moment to realize what it was.  Ezra was trying to shield his mind, something he hadn’t been bothering to do since he’d returned from Tatooine.  He either hadn’t had the willpower to form more than the most basic, unconscious shields, or he just couldn’t bring himself to care anymore.

Kanan thought that maybe he should be glad that Ezra was shielding himself again, but he was doing so more strongly than he normally had before.  The only times Ezra had shielded himself like this, trying with all his might to block Kanan out, had been when he was hiding something.  Kanan knew Ezra didn’t have to tell him everything, but the fact that it was so sudden and was happening directly after a firefight worried him.  That, combined with the sharp jolt he’d felt in the Force as they'd made their escape, like a spark of static electricity, pointed him toward one conclusion.  Ezra was injured and was trying to hide it.

Kanan didn’t have a chance to say a word about it.  As soon as Hera landed the _Phantom_ in the secluded place he and Ezra had been hiding out and opened the hatch, Ezra bolted from the ship.

“What’s with him?” Sabine asked.

“I’ll check on him,” Kanan said.  “Too many people at once might just overwhelm him.”

As he moved to follow Ezra, Hera caught his arm.  She stood up, leaned in close, and spoke in a voice low enough that only Kanan would hear.

“He’s hurt,” she said.  “I saw it happen.”

Kanan sighed.  He’d figured as much.

As he stepped off the _Phantom_ , he didn’t need to feel for Ezra in the Force.  He already knew exactly where he’d find the kid.  There was a small stash of medical supplies on the _Gauntlet_ , making it the perfect place for Ezra to patch up a wound without anyone noticing.

As he walked up the ramp, Kanan knocked lightly on the side of the open hatch.  He heard the dull thud of Ezra dropping something.

“Ezra?” Kanan called softly.  “You okay?”

“I’m fine,” Ezra said.

“Hera said you got hurt.”

Kanan could sense Ezra’s moment of hesitation quickly followed by tired resignation.

“It’s just a graze,” Ezra said.

“You sure?” Kanan asked.

“Yes, I’m sure,” Ezra said, irritation slipping into his voice.  Kanan could just barely hear it as Ezra sighed.

“I’m sorry,” Ezra said, his voice much calmer.  “It really is just a graze, though.”

There was something else in his voice, something Kanan wasn’t sure how to name, despite hearing it in Ezra’s voice so many times before.  There was something else bothering Ezra and, just like he so often did, he was hesitating to say it, afraid of what might happen if he did.

“Ezra, what’s wrong?” Kanan asked.

“I don’t really know how to explain it,” Ezra said.

“Can you try?” Kanan asked.

Ezra sighed again, and Kanan heard the quiet shift of his clothes as he slid down the wall and sat down on the floor.

“I just haven’t been…feeling a lot lately,” Ezra said.  Kanan decided it was better not to say that he’d noticed.  “And then when those stormtroopers showed up, when I was actually _in_ the fight, I started feeling things again and now I’m…not.  What’s _wrong_ with me that _that’s_ what makes me start feeling things again?”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Kanan said.

Ezra let out a short, bitter laugh.

“There’s not,” Kanan said.  “I know that the things you’re feeling right now are confusing and that you probably don’t want to be feeling them, but there’s _nothing_ wrong with you.”

“Maybe there is,” Ezra muttered, a small hitch in his voice telling Kanan he was fighting off tears.  “I was raised by a kriffing Sith lord, after all.”

Kanan felt a surge of anger that stayed carefully hidden behind his shields, where Ezra wouldn’t feel it, or at least not the worst of it.  It wasn’t anger at Ezra, but at Maul.  He’d taken so much from Ezra, and this was just another thing on the never-ending list.

Rather than say any of what he was thinking, Kanan walked over to Ezra, knelt down beside him, and pulled the kid into his arms.  He could feel Ezra shaking, his breath catching in his throat as he kept fighting against his tears.

“What he did to you was horrible,” Kanan said.  “But that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.  You were hurt, Ezra.  It’s normal for your feelings to get mixed up like this.”

Kanan felt Ezra’s arms slide out from where they were pinned and wrap around his chest.  Ezra clung to him like he did when he woke up from his nightmares, trying so hard not to cry as he buried his face in Kanan’s shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Kanan said softly.  “You’re okay.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for: references to character death

Ezra heard footsteps behind him and began to stand up, ready to make an excuse to leave, before he realized it was Hera.  He hesitated, unsure if he should still look for a way out.  Ezra had been steadfastly avoiding Kanan in the hours since his breakdown on the _Nightbrother_ , and he had no idea if Kanan had talked to Hera about it.

Before Ezra could make a decision, Hera smiled and sat down in the grass beside him, gently putting an arm around his shoulders.  Ezra smiled and settled into the half-hug she was giving him.  He’d missed her and the others more than he’d even been able to realize in his numb, almost emotionless state.

For a while, they just sat there in silence, though Ezra could tell there was something Hera wanted to talk about.  He could feel it hovering at the surface of her mind, but he didn’t push it.  Whatever it was, he was fine with not talking.  But finally, Hera broke the silence, just the slightest hesitation in her voice as she began to speak.

“Kanan told me what you did,” she said.

Ezra’s shoulders stiffened as he instinctively knew what she was talking about.  He almost hoped the next words out of her mouth would be a lecture about running off on Kanan in the middle of the night and making him worry.  The thought of actually _talking_ with Hera about what he’d done tied his stomach in knots.  But in spite of it, he had to know…

“Do you think I did the right thing?” he asked, the words coming out almost before the thought had finished forming in his head.  Kanan had told him over and over that he had, but what if Kanan was the only one who thought so?  What if Kanan was lying to him to ease his guilt, and it really _hadn't_ been right?

“I do,” Hera said without a moment of hesitation.  “But I also think that even if it was the right thing, it’s okay if you feel guilty about it.”

“Kanan told you.”

“He didn’t have to,” Hera said.

“What, are you a Jedi now, too?” Ezra asked with a small smile.

“Maybe,” Hera said, her expression mimicking his.  Her smile faded and Ezra could feel a surge of sympathy from her that he mentally backed away from as if it had burned him.

“I just know this couldn’t have been easy for you,” she said.  “I know what he used to mean to you.”

“ _Used_ to,” Ezra said.  “Not anymore.”

“I know,” Hera said, her arm tightening around his shoulders for a second.  “But he meant something to you once, and we all understand that.  We know you were protecting us, but none of us will ever judge you for feeling guilty about it.”

“I just wish I didn’t feel guilty,” Ezra said.

“You might not one day,” Hera said.  “These things can take time.”

_Or they just never stop,_ Ezra thought.  Instead of voicing that thought, he pressed himself closer against Hera’s side.

“I missed you,” he said.

“I missed you, too,” Hera said.  “And I wish things had turned out differently for you, but I’m still so proud of you.”

“Thanks…” Ezra realized what he’d been about to say just in time to stop himself and let the word catch in his throat.  He sighed slightly and put his arms around Hera, returning her hug, drawing strength from her to give himself the nerve to just say it.

“Thanks, Mom.”


End file.
